Possum Lake Monster/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots, glass shatters ] harold: And now here's the one and only and therefore the greatest tv sensation to step out of the forest since bigfoot, our very own sag-squatch... Our very own abominable showman -- wa-a-a! -- Red green! Thank you very much. Thank you. And thank you, harold, for getting the show off on the wrong bigfoot. Absolutely no problemo, uncle red. Boom. [ keyboard clacking ] wa-a-a! I will now cross over to join the host. Maybe you should cross over and join the women's navy. Well, now that harold has put his bigfoot in his big mouth, uh, we can get on with the show. And actually, uh, harold has been a bit relevant, just as a fluke here, because this week, uh, we've actually discovered we have a monster right here in possum lake, which we've nicknamed... Pessie. [ laughs ] pessie? What kind of name is pessie? What kind of name is harold? Well, I -- just, you know, it's a monster. It should have a monster's name, you know, like "gargle." [ growls ] like that. You know, or "razormouth," or, you know, "firebeater," you know? Wa-a-a! Something that sounds like a video game, you know? I don't know, harold. I mean, uh, the loch ness monster is named nessie, so we figure the loch possum monster should be named pessie. Uh, we thought about calling it "possie," but that kind of implied there was a whole bunch of them, you know? And then we, uh... Then we went through the other vowels. Wa-a-a! Decided we were safest with "e." yeah, I think so. Anyway, uh, junior singleton has, uh, already spotted pessie. Uncle red, need I remind you that junior singleton bought a used pontoon boat last weekend, and he's been since touring the lake offering tours to people. Wa-a-a! Coincidence and/or what? Wa-a-a! Yes, harold, but, you know, you can't deny it. Junior says he has spotted the monster every day for the last three days. Yes, but I wish he just had a paying customer confirm that thought. Well, harold, you know, I don't think anyone with your looks should be skeptical about unusual life-forms. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ take time to read ♪ ♪ take time to read ♪ ♪ that's a good deed, to read ♪ ♪ go to the library and get a book ♪ ♪ they have two or three that are worth a look ♪ ♪ if I hadn't gone, my mind would be bored ♪ ♪ and how else could I have found out so much ♪ ♪ about curious george? ♪ red: This week in "handyman corner," we're gonna show you something you can do with some of those beer bottles you got lying around the garage or down in the basement or whatever. I found these bottles in the cushions of the couch. Now, uh, ordinarily, I would just, uh, throw these out or take them back for a refund. But, uh, I'm gonna show you how you can make yourself a darned interesting clock. Now, the first thing you're gonna need is something big and flat to hold all the mechanism for the clock. Excuse me a minute. [ grunts ] [ crash ] [ bottles clanking ] I suggest a fridge door for the timeless look of white enamel. And you're also gonna need an electric motor like this one to feed the bottles into the clock. And you're gonna need a work glove -- just one. That's gonna help feed the bottles as well. So you're just using one. You can sell the other one to the neighbor's kid, and he can go out and be a rock star. Now, you got to soak this thing in a solution made up of mercury, lacquer, rubbing alcohol, gasoline, and paint stripper -- or as we call it, possum lake. There we go. Once she's dry, she's as hard as a brick. And then you stick the glove, uh, on to a 1x3 or a 2x2 or whatever size piece of wood you find when you were over at neighbor's garage selling his kid the other glove. You know, that would make a dandy little, uh... Dandy little back scratcher. Or lower, you know? Or a panhandler could use this, could work both sides of the mall at the same time. But we're gonna use it to pick up the beer bottles and roll them in to the fridge door. So what we got to do now is connect this to our electric motor. Just stick it on there. You'll have a little hole in there. And you can just drop a nail through, and then, uh, bend her over. Or I guess you could use a cotter pin if you're made of money. And now what you do is wind her up so it's gonna go right into the fridge door. And, uh, I think we're looking pretty good. Why don't we put a beer bottle in the glove and give her a try? There we go. Now, as soon as I plug the motor in, that should just lay that bottle in there as nice as you please. [ whirring, glass shatters ] uh, yeah. Okay. That works. That works. That works excellent. It's just, uh, maybe just a tad fast, so we'll slow the electric motor down, which is easy to do. You just open them up, and you can just start cutting windings until your wrist gets tired. Or, uh...Yeah. Why don't we just hook her up to one of these household dimmers? Perfect. All right, now, uh, you may have to jimmy around with the dimmer to get the motor down to exactly one revolution per minute, uh, greenwich time a.M. But, uh, once you do, by golly, you're all set up. And here's how she works. The glove, now, is gonna pick up the beer bottle from the basin. That's our supply. And at exactly every minute, right on the button, she brings it over, drops the beer bottle right here onto our top shelf, which is our minutes shelf, and that carries on until you get nine bottles on there. On the 10th bottle, the weight all changes, and she swings down, and nine of the bottles drop into the eaves trough and carry right on back into the basin for a supply again. But the 10th bottle goes into the 10-minutes area, so that's now 10 minutes, and then that kind of repeats itself. And now what happens is you build up until you have, I guess eight on the t-- no, nine. 10! 10-minute on the 10 -- 10 on the 10-minute, and then into the hours and down and around. And just -- it's like clockwork. And the beauty of this -- of this machine is that, uh, whenever you want to know what time it is, you just take a look over at your fridge beer-bottle clock, and you add up the minutes. Well, you got four there. So that's four minutes, plus you add up the 10s. We got three 10s. And then we got one, two, three, four hours. So, you put them all together, and that means that it's, uh, it's exactly... [ sniffs, clears throat ] ...Time for a beer. This would make a dandy alarm clock, wouldn't it? And now it's that time in the show where we expose the three little words men find so hard to say -- "I don't know." wa-a-a! And here on "the experts" section today, of course, is my uncle red and mr. Hap shaughnessy! "dear experts... "I do not consider myself a stupid person, "such as, say, my brother, but try as I might, I do not understand einstein's theories of relativity." well, you know, einstein said there are only three people who could understand relativity. Really? Wonder who the other one is. You understand relativity, hap? Just the stuff I worked on. Oh, you worked with einstein, did you? Yeah, well, when he started out, I gave him a hand with his relative-ity. But einstein worked on relativity when he was really young. [ laughing ] yeah, yeah. Yeah, I didn't mind giving the kid a hand. He had some good ideas. They were rough, but good. Excuse me, mr. Shaughnessy, but I still don't understand how it is that -- you know, einstein is younger than you. Was, harold. Was. I worked a lot faster than albert, that's all. Much, much faster. So we aged at different rates, huh? Well, that's possible. I just all of a sudden felt a little older myself right there. Well, there you go, red. You'd have to be that third person that albert was talking about. You'd understand that, uh, time and space is relate-ive and subjective. Yeah, and I'm learning that so is the truth. "it is summer. "in the hot sun, your hair went from dark to light. "it went from straight to curly. And eventually, it just went." thought I'd drop in on ranger gord, see if he knew anything about this possum lake monster. Welcome, welcome. Thank you, gordon. I've got, uh, water for six months, lots of cots, extra cots... Cream corn. What do you need? I was thinking maybe a 10-minute visit, gord. Okay. Okay. That's good, too, yeah. Uh, gosh, we all get so busy these days, huh? Uh, toothpick? Yeah, sure. Yeah, gosh, you know, uh, you know, you got a lodge to run. I've got a forest to manage. Yeah. Yeah. Gosh, I can't tell you how busy I get sometimes, uh, inspecting a twig or looking at a bug or something. And, you know, you haven't felt excitement until you've been eating a foil-wrapped potato and lightning hits the tower. Poof! Burned all my nose hairs on the last one. Wow. For gosh sakes. That's good, yeah. Tell me something, gord. Uh, you know anything about dinosaurs in this area? Uh, dinosaurs, no, no. Not anymore. Uh... Although, last week, I thought I heard a noise. No. But, uh...Not really. Millions and millions and millions of years ago, before I came here, yeah. Yeah, I feel sorry for the dinosaur, don't you? Not really, no. Big animal, looking out over the... [ sniffles ] [ voice breaking ] ...Over the forest. Trying to protect people, looking out for forest fires. You'd think he'd get some thanks sometimes or at least an award or... [ sniffles ] ...Paycheck or something. [ sobbing ] the poor dinosaur! Well, now, gord, you know, I -- now, I don't know about him, but, by golly, you've done a heck of a job up here for all of us. Really? Oh, gosh, yeah. Well, I mean, how many forest fires have there been since you've come up here? Uh, six. Six, and you spotted all of them, did you not? No. Oh. Oh. All right, all right, but you spotted -- I know you spotted one of them for sure, didn't you? Yeah, but how could I have missed it? It burned the tower down. Well, uh, junior singleton has convinced a lot of skeptics by offering a $10,000 reward to anybody who spots pessie, the possum lake monster. Personally, I'd be a lot more convinced if junior offered a $40 reward... 'cause I know he has $40. You know, uh, uncle red, it's true, though, you know. Maybe there is a dinosaur fish in the water. Could have survived up here, you know, if it was cut off from evolution, like everyone else was up here. Yeah, well, you know, he's got moose thompson convinced. Uh, moose took all the nets off the tennis courts and went skin-diving to capture pessie -- mano a monstero. I think the whole concept of a large, small-brained dinosaur kind of strikes a nerve with moose. Wouldn't be surprised if there was a brontosaurus in his family tree. Uh, now, see, excuse me right there, uncle red. Now, if there is a dinosaur in possum lake, it will not be a brontosaurus. No, no, no, no. Perhaps it'll be the long-neck plesiosaur. Hmm? Or perhaps it'll be like the famed duck-billed ichthyosaurus. Well, I don't know, harold, but so far, the only people who have spotted this thing are all in the local tourist business. Oh, no, no. See, that's not even true. That's not even true, 'cause old man sedgwick, he said he saw a thing in the lake, and it was, like, all gray-skinned with a humped back and these big watery fish eyes, you know? And it had, like, no nose and this gaping toothless mouth. Wa-a-a! What do you think that could be? His reflection. ♪ come on, bus driver, speed up a little bit ♪ ♪ speed up a little bit ♪ ♪ speed up a little bit ♪ ♪ come on, bus driver, speed up a little bit ♪ ♪ the cops are really gainin' on us ♪ red: Got something special for all you campers on this adventure of "adventures with bill," the "adventure with bill" part of the bill adventure. Now, what we pointed out here was bill had left his food just lying around. This is what happens when you're camping and so forth. You get a lot of the animals get in there, and... Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. And then they got into the bacon and tied her into a wreath knot there, I guess. So bill's thinking -- get that out of there. Thanks for tidying that up, bill, and -- hey, hey, hey! That's my shirt. So, uh, he's got some burlap there, and he's gonna put the food in here. We're gonna try to show you a safe way to store things. You put everything in about the middle of the, uh, burlap. And then you need some sort of a waterproof fabric to go over the burlap -- you bring that up. We were looking for some waterproof stuff, and I kind of spotted bill's, you know -- so we put that over the bag, and then we tied her on there. And then what you do, you've got something there. You're ready to go -- oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. You're ready to go and hang that now over the branch of a tree, you see? The idea being this is gonna make it hard for the animals to get at. Bill doesn't have a lot of motor skills when it comes to swinging things around and throwing them at parties. Yeah, you know -- oh, no, no, no, no, no, bill. Now, I don't like to butt in 'cause bill is the expert on the outdoor stuff. But it seemed to me that things would go probably a little bit better if you threw the end of the rope over rather than throw the bag over, you know? Yeah, then it's just a simple task of pulling that up. It should go. Ooh! [ grunts ] well, bill has a way of making things a little more complicated, and then you got to -- bill, stop, stop, stop! Ohh. All right, you can pull that up too far. But anyway, he's got her up there. Now he's got the bag hanging there, and it's safe. And I don't know why, but bill felt he needed to check that. Aah! All right, he made a bad choice on that branch. And now he's got another branch and -- no, bill, bill, no, no. Just leave it. It's fine. Now we can go and do whatever we want. Yeah, all right, we'll do a little fishing, so you don't have to worry about that. The animals can't get at that, and, uh... Hmm. How far south are we? All right, so, we fished for a while, and I got myself a couple of nice little trout and so on, and bill got, uh, an 8 1/2 and a 7 and I think an 11eee there. So, he's gonna go over, and just now we can take the food down. It should be in pretty good shape. Got that? Ohh. Ohh. Eggs are hard. Now we take her back, and I'd be a little -- I think that if you were to do this, you might want to be a little gentler with the way you handle the food, 'cause this really is not any better than it was before. But at least you know it's your own mess. You can always live with your own mess. Bill's wife does. And now here's something for all you youngsters. Enjoy. Yo, check it out! What's up? Wa-a-a! Welcome to the very first episode of my brand-new show... "cool hair." wa-a-a! Okay, cool hair -- what is it? Who has it? Who wants it? Who really needs it? How do you build it? How do you maintain it? How do you train it? How do you get it to sit up on all fours and beg for a biscuit like that? And when you throw it one, it rolls all over the rug and it looks so -- I forgot what I was talking about. Oh, okay, okay, yeah, okay. Cool hair. Huh. The first factor to fab follicles is your diet. It's true, because whatever you eat goes directly to your hair. Like, when you're eating those long spaghettis, you know, and you suck those up. [ slurping ] like that, right? And then it comes, and it just snaps you in the head, right? And it wraps around your nose and stuff. Wa-a-a! But you know what? Also, a bad diet can lead to, like, a receding hairline. Then you get like my uncle red, and you get one of those great big bald spots. It looks like a bird dropped a -- hi, uncle red! Uncle red! Harold, you seen my combs? Is bill washing his dog again? No. Harold, what have you done here? You glued all my combs on here. No, no, I didn't. They j-- they stuck. That's the graphic to my new show. That's the opening of my new show, and without those combs, I cannot do my new show. Oh, well, that's great, then. We hear a lot of talk these days about, uh, junk food. Somebody will say, uh, "too much cholesterol" or, "that's high in unsaturated fat" or, "get that bag of chips out of this bed." well, I say the whole thing is a crock. You put a bag of cheezies down beside a plate of sausages and eggs, and the meal you're supposed to eat is made of pigs' intestines and premature chicken babies. And they say you're supposed to watch out, don't have too much salt. Well, I'm telling you, the giant sea turtle -- he gets to be 4,000 years old, and he lives in salt. So it's not the salt or the cholesterol or the junk food that will kill you. It's worrying about it. That's what does you in. So as long as you don't listen to your crazy doctor or the nutritionist that he sends you to or the heart specialist that the nutritionist sends you to or that clinical specialist on circulatory systems they bring in 'cause they've never seen a case this bad in their entire history -- as long as you don't listen to them, you're gonna live a long, long time. I plan to. Hello, glen. Drop another ping-pong table off the roof rack? No, red, just doing a little customizing on the r.V. You ever seen those indy cars with the front spoilers? I think they call them aprons. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, keeps the front wheels on the ground even if they're going 150 miles an hour. Wow. You put a new engine or five into the r.V., did you? No, I wish, red. No. Grab that other end there. I'll show you. See, there you go. Oh, yeah. Indy car with a front spoiler. Uh-huh, or a freight train with a cowcatcher. Makes it safer, sportier, and sharper, red. Well, what's the other one for here? In case you can take a stupid idea and do it twice? [ laughing ] no, red. This goes up on the back at the top here. This is an airfoil. Oh. Well, that's great. Oh, oh, oh. There you go, red. This is great, then. You got this at the back to scrape the icicles off the bridge, and you got the front for plowing snow. Well, red, actually, it's for mileage. It helps out the mileage quite a bit. Really? How much? Well, I don't know exactly, but I know it's quite a bit. Uh-huh. You know what I bet? I bet you go 100,000 miles, and you'll save enough gas money to maybe pay for the plywood. Oh, red, there's no need to be nasty, okay? I mean, I'm not hurting you any. No, you're right. Gee whiz. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. None of my business how people want to waste their money, I guess. Right here is fine, red. All right. You know what I figure? Uh-huh? I'll finish this, and I'll get it all painted up, and you'll be first in line to go for a ride right through the middle of town. Yeah, you're probably right. I do enjoy watching people laugh. You must. I was kidding, glen. Me too. Hey, what's this weird trailer here for? Is that for carrying extra spoilers? No, it's the research guys from the university there. They had a submarine on this, red. Yeah, you should have seen this thing. It was painted up like a prehistoric animal. Ah. Man, it was ugly. Yeah, well, you seem to get a lot of ugly things up this end of the lake. [ sighs ] well, the mystery of pessie, the possum lake monster, has kind of been cleared up. I should have guessed it was a submarine when one description said the tail was a chrome propeller. Pessie's a submarine? Well, it was... Until moose thompson chased it up on shore, and it wedged between the dock and the boathouse. So now it's a submarine sandwich? [ laughing ] [ snorts, laughs ] because it was, like, there, and it was squished, right? Because it was -- wa-a-a! Sandwich! That's -- you said it's a submarine, but I said sandwich submarine, but you just go right ahead. I'm not here. That's the future of our country you're looking at right there. So I would recommend "play hard, die young" as the best policy. Uncle red, what -- what was the submarine doing in possum lake anyway? Well, apparently, it was some kind of a marine survey to find out why there's no fish in possum lake, which is crazy. That's just our tax dollars at work, isn't it, harold? There's plenty of fish in possum lake. They're just down at the bottom, you know, under all them appliances and school buses and those -- half a dozen power transformers down there. There's a few in there, for sure. [ screeching ] that's the squeal of the possum. We got to go to the meeting now. Yeah, you go ahead, harold. Then I'll -- I'll be right down. Well, that's about it for this show, but one thing I think we've proven is that, uh, something can be 65 million years old and still be an attraction. So, if my wife is watching, your dinosaur will be coming home right after the meeting, and I sure hope I don't walk you to the ice age. And to the rest of you, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, thanks for watching, and keep your stick on the ice. [ indistinct conversations ] [ screeching continues ] all rise! All rise! All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Couple of quick announcements. If anybody finds a horse that looks like it might belong to the mounties, would you please return it to junior singleton in the next 24 hours? This is serious. Otherwise, the musical ride will be missing a "b" flat.